Should i stay with him

I also recently turned 18 while my boyfriend is going to turn 16 in 4 months. Before leaving, I asked him if we wanted to be in a relationship, despite having to go off to college in New York.

He said yes and I agreed to endeavor in our experiment. I noticed that while I spent my final days in high school, I found myself being perpetually annoyed by his persistent lack of focus and constant mental fixation on a video game we both played.

The only thing he wanted to talk about was leveling up in this video game while I wanted to talk about more deeper, philosophical conversations.

This made me feel that we were incompatible despite respecting and loving each other through the long distance process. When we spent time together in school, we would be funny and joke around. I feel that he never got to see the more relevant side of me that is more focused on reality and questioning the world.

This largely differs from his perspective that I'm a socialite who keeps things simple. I'm pretty complicated and like complexity in things I do. I found myself getting bored of our conversations during the summer long distance because all he wanted to talk about was the video game. When I wanted to discuss my day or other things I was interested in, he would largely seem uninterested.

I recently discovered he's interested in science and can talk hours on that, but he suppressed this interest to fit in with his friends. Aside from talking science, it frustrates me when he doesn't pay attention and at times can be really immature. I could be trying to explain something to him when he goes off on a tangent, completely forgetting what I was saying.

I am medicated as he is too, but we both have our moments when we get moody and can't control what we say or do. In large part, my frustrations came about from long distance and not being able to see him. It felt so much more exhilarating to talk to him in person than over the phone where things are lost in translation.

I took the quiz and nearly got a perfect score subtracting the sex questions out, though. In short, I feel lost because I know the things that annoy me about him are related to his age and disorder, but I don't want to be an asshole and leave because I can't handle them. Also, I want to be able to communicate about other things, but it's a lot harder for him to focus on the phone and therefore I get angry. What do I do?

You are relying on a decision you made at Sometimes it takes 5 or more years to feel like an adult. He has no interest in growing up. This leaves you emotional and sad.

But you want to break out of this teenage relationship and explore all the possibilities! Mothering is all he wants from you. Be honest with yourself, you really are tired of this whole thing. This stage of life brings new questions. You need to make a list of what you want to achieve in college. Are you studying the right things?

Or is it time to find a more fitting major? Now is the time to discover who you are and work on your goals. But all young adults are facing the same thing. I am currently 18 and my boyfriend is But now that we are in college and work together and are majoring in the same major, I feel so emotional and sad.

I keep feeling as if I am always there to push him to always want him reach his goals to want him to succeed to make him happy. I have to wake him up for work I have to pick him up to go to school. I feel like a parent rather than his girlfriend. I get to work late due to the fact that he really doesn't care much for being early to work when in fact I do. I just feel like there is so much for me to do, to experience with my life and being with him holds me back so much.

I love him! I just I feel like if I leave I won't ever find someone like him again. I just feel like I am depending to much on him to be happy and to succeed. I don't know why im feeling like this. I held discussion groups about romance with young adults. Once I asked why I hadn't heard the word "commitment" so far in our 90 minutes of discussing it.

One participant yelped back, "Commitment to what? Waiting 5 years for my boyfriend to grow up? That's where you are at. Why waste 5 years trying to change yourself to accommodate your partner? Plus, people go through changes when starting college. It often gets a person to face some hard realities.

Your hard realities include stop trying to change yourself to accommodate your partner. That's all wrong. It shows you two are not compatible. It's time to look at your future at college.

Will your degree lead to a job? Will you need a masters degree? And a bunch of other things. Call it quits with your non compatible partner. Go forth without this relationship distorting your thinking about who your are. Set yourself free. I scored quite high on the test, but im still very uncertain. We've been having a rough time lately. I used to think we will move in together, I imagined my life with him.

He's 23 and I'm My problem is that he still lives at home, and it doesnt look like he's going to move out yet. He could have done it multiple times, but always found something that was more important. Also, I can't think of him as a manly man, usually I'm in charge in the relationship. I really loved and adored him before all of this, I don't know what have changed It's like the certainty have gone. Altough, I'm not perfect either. True, he is not very independent, manly, he can be very stubborn and hard to put up with.

But I can be very critical and agressive. There was a time when I hit him as well. We had serious problems with sex, and he didnt want it as much as I am. He sometimes turn me down even halfway. I felt ashamed, and cried a lot. I really regretted everything I've done wrong, I changed so much thanks to him, and my efforts, but we seem to run the same cycles over and over again.

I try my best to make things right altough I don't have much faith in this recently. The arguments, lack of passion and effort It seems everything falls apart. Im going to college this September, and we won't have as much time together aswe used to have.

Could you please give me some advice on what do to? You're tired to being with a romantic partner who does not love you. You are also tired of playing the role of the perfect partner. Do not wait any longer. Get out. Some day you'll get over your anger about his not loving you. Get single and someone will come your way. Remember, a man must be able to look you in the eye and discus his feelings or he is not the right person to start a new relationship with.

Hello A, stop overthinking this. You are lucky. You can watch her grow and be proud of her when she does. Just be careful you don't slip into jealousy as she changes and your relationship changes over time.

Remember also that you have more growing up to do too. I scored very high on this test, but I still have questions about my relationship. Both of us are kind, empathetic, respectful and caring towards other people and each other. I'm 31 and she's We both are in nontraditional fields--I'm a musician and she is a ballet dancer. She's very smart, driven, and passionate. She does have quite a bit of life experience having already travelled to other countries and worked as a professional dancer.

However, sometimes I feel that she's quite insecure about herself and that our age dynamic might perpetuate that. She is still immature in some ways, though I think she's self-aware enough to know that.

I know that she will blossom into an amazing person, but sometimes I feel that she might need to do some of this discover some things about herself on her own. I sometimes also wonder if I was with someone closer to my own age would give me more perspective about life, etc. But at the same time I know that she will grow in great ways and I don't want to lose her for that reason. We are very happy when we're together the vast majority of the time, but when we're apart I sometimes worry about how right the relationship is.

While I scored quite high, couldn't fault our relationship, people around think we are a perfect couple. Though, we are going through a breakup now. We've been in a relationship almost three years, but he cannot say he loves me, avoids any conversation about feelings, our relationship or the future. If there is no love, what is the point of relationship? To wait another three years in hopes he will love me? Confused, your partner isn't interested in marriage. And it sounds like you're not happy with your this situation.

Time spent together should have some joyful moments. It doesn't matter how many years a person has put into a relationship.

Sometimes we just have to let it go when we're not happy. You and he argue and he thinks he's always right. This singles out a non compatibility issue. Don't be afraid about being single at Many do it and it brings some new things and enjoyment, as well as emotional growth. I have been in a relationship coming up on 12 yrs. He has been previously married and I have not. We both turned 50 this yr. I planned for a year to go on vacation for our 10 yr. Well it was a disaster.

He brought a second hand ring but never gave it to me. He lamely put it under a napkin at dinner the day after we got back and no real effort into it. We had set a date of Nov this year however he never talks about it so I didn't go through with save the date invites. The conversation came up about going on vacation to Vegas or somewhere to tie the knot this year but I feel he doesn't really want to.

I feel its out of obligation. I don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him he's very defensive and I always end up being in the wrong. We do have love and desire for eachother but we have not really progressed financially or emotionally over the course of 10 yrs. We have a good routine down, but don't do alot socially together. We hardly ever laugh, he doesn't really have a good sense of humor and takes everything literally.

I guess I have already answered my own question. It appears that you need to start looking for a new arrangement. Contact me if you'd like to discuss it. The contact button is in the left hand corner at the top of this article. Correspond with me directly by using the Contact Author button at the left hand corner at the top of this article.

It's right next to my picture. How can I chat with u privately? My story is like no other n right now I need some advice from a person who is not my friend. Fy-Married 11y-boyfriend 3y- short sum n must make a decision in two days time is of the essence. Plz help You must muster your courage, lose your fears, and find a support group to get you through these sad times.

You need female friends to say "yes" to the changes you might envision. Stop worrying about finding another mate. I know a woman who was restricted to an electric wheelchair. She found a wonderful, kind loving man. They were married and are happy together. Stop worrying about what your families will think when you leave this man.

Let's face it: He doesn't care about you anymore. And you tried your best. No person should have to put up with a partner who gets angry all the time. You've given all you got now it's time to focus your energies on yourself.. Your immediate need is to move out or tell him it's time for him to leave. He probably won't understand. He just doesn't get this. This article is exactly what I needed at the moment and this couldn't be more relatable. I scored 16 but most of it were related to my thoughts about my partner and our relationship.

We are together for 5 years but the last two have been very different. He just changed to the point that I have few to no recollection of who he was when I first met him. Despite these changes, I tried to cope up and continued to do my best to keep it together. I would relive the same arrangement from our past unforgettable dates to the next ones, I would ask him out to his favorite restaurant every now and then, I would surprise him with simple little things but I just couldn't see any results.

He would distant himself and would say that these kind of stuff are more of a "new lovers" thing and are not appropriate for us - which I don't agree. These simple things are often overlooked but usually make a difference in the long run. Before reading your article, I listed down the reasons why I should leave him and I'm surprised that the list just goes on and on; he doesn't trusts me with his personal struggles, he wouldn't sleep with me for months, he shows no interest when I bring marriage and kids into the discussion, he gets angry for the simplest things and won't talk to me for days, and I can barely feel his excitement anymore of being with me at the end of the day.

For fairness' sake, I also tried to list down the reasons why not and I only came up with two; one being the length of our relationship and the good memories we've had and the other is our familiarity with each other's family. With what I shared so far, I guess it is pretty obvious that I should get going but I am really scared about the gravity of pain I would surely get once I lose him.

I also fear not finding someone else ever again. I am the kind of person who can and is willing to endure as much pain and sacrifice for the one I love but at the same time, I do acknowledge the fact that everything has an ending, good or bad.

Your thoughts on this will be highly appreciated. I was not notified about your post like what usually happens automatically. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Being in-love is selecting one person to be with. This is a instinctual reaction. The in-love obsessive phase passes in about 3 to 6 months. You're not in-love with this person. Rather you probably have either feelings of friendship where you treat each other as good friends.

Or you feel like family. Or maybe you do not. You have to live in the present. Right now you feel ambivalent. That may never go away. You need to back off and slow down. Do not make decisions on a whim.

This is someone you care about, true. But if you're feeling ambivalent this is no time to try and move the relationship forward and deeper. Thanks for the great article. I score high with my bf of one year , but I'm concerned that the reason is more because we are both caring, mature, well-adjusted adults rather than the strength of our love for each other, and it's really hard for me to know whether to stay together. I haven't had that stage of falling in love with him I have with a couple exes , but I do think we are compatible and we do love each other.

I'm worried that I will always have these feelings of ambivalence and feel like I 'missed out' on falling in love with my life partner if we move forward together. What should I do? If I break up with him I might miss out on a life with an amazing person, but if I stay with him I feel like I might be plagued with these doubts and uncertainties for the rest of my life.

After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused.

I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much.

I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all other ones out there.

When someone says constantly that you stress him out, don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for his feelings, he is. If he sulks in his room and skips work, you both need some space, some time apart. I say that for many reasons. He needs to deal with his own depression and you can't help him much on that.

When desire and sexuality are gone, romance fades away. Don't think he is going to suddenly come around. Where his head is at it would take a long time to change. Maybe it's time for you to get a condo again for yourself. You need time on your own to figure out what you feel, what your career goals are, what kind of partner you really want.

He is not cutting it right now and may never be the man you really want--the husband and caring father. Remember--you cannot change him. So think about what you said, that you have basically given up your life. It's time to be on your own and find your life again. Only then can you think about continuing your relationship with him.

I scored 17 which seems right for what I am going through with my bf. We have been together for 1. Recently we moved in together and I moved across the country to a new job, living in a huge house and having room-mates coming from owning my own condo living alone and basically giving up my life. Over and over I have tried to communicate that I need more intimate time together and we came up with a compromise and it once again was not happening. Along with this I decided after many complaints and discomfort that I could not deal with having roommates and I told him I was going to move out if we didn't get rid of them.

He said that we could live alone and I felt excited. Recently he got a terrible cold and our basement flooded at the same time and now needs total reconstruction. He decided to start sleeping in another room we also struggle to sleep together being both light sleepers which is a whole other issue. My advice was to stop committing to so much and that he brings these issues on himself when he could easily simplify his life in many ways.

Not the flooding, but he seems to ALWAYS have something on the go making him too busy to be affectionate or really stressed out. On the weekend I felt really frustrated and very upset and drank A LOT of wine and was very drunk not the first time. The next day I regretted the entire thing feeling totally guilty and horrible. I got very defensive during that fight and only slightly believe some of the things I said. After a long conversation we decided to take some space and he has been sleeping in a separate room and missing days of work, playing video games and clearly quite depressed.

I am now after everything taking most of the blame. I am trying to lighten things up, move forward but he just stays in this room most of the time depressed. I am so confused as to what to do so I am just leaving him alone to sulk in his man-cave. Is this a recipe for disaster and should I be leaving him or do I continue to work on making things better?

It should be exciting moving in together, help! Yes you should feel confused, sad, grief stricken, hurt, and angry. And that's no fun because you never know when he's going to break down again. You have to understand your boyfriend has a serious mental illness.

Better communication between you and him is not going to make your problems go away. If I was you, I would break it off for a set period of time. That would give you some space to feel the freedom to work on your own issues and see what life is like without this madness. I know you don't want to hear that but you need a break from this craziness.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that the stressors in your relationship all relate to him. I say this knowing that you cannot help him straighten his life out. He needs a psychiatrist. Medications and talk therapy with a psychologist go hand in hand some times. My concern is with you. Related Stories. The Surprising Benefits of Being an Introvert.

The 25 Defining Works of the Black Renaissance. Already a print subscriber? Go here to link your subscription. Need help? And this ambivalence was very common. That relationship doubts are so common and people are often conflicted about what to do are what make this kind of research potentially helpful. What contributes to these variations in commitment?

Relationship researchers Laura Machia and Brian Ogolsky sought to find out by interviewing participants in stable relationships. Participants expressed a lot of reasons for commitment fluctuations — 13,, to be exact.

The researchers distilled them down to 14 key themes. The most influential reasons were positive and negative characterizations of the partner and relationship. The next-most-mentioned reason was circumstances — unforeseen events or experiences such job loss, a partner becoming ill or needing to move.

Out of all the possible reasons that nudged people up or down the commitment scale, there was one that stood out as actually predicting whether a couple would break up: cheating. As much as other factors made people feel more or less likely to consider marriage, involvement with another dating partner was the one true relationship-killer.

Men do not operate that way. They like to date and feel full freedom with someone before they know if it is right for them. With all that said, I think you must not let the old expectations you had of your EX to transfer to this new relationship. They are two different people and you were with the other for 3years while you are putting a huge amount of expectation on a man who has only known you for 5mo.

Like new babies… so to have expectations transfer over, you only set this relationship up for failure. My advice now would be to see if you could open this relationship up by ridding the future talk and living in spontaneity. Get to know some fun facts of each other. Go out and explore with each other. Let go of the restrictions you have been holding with yourself and let your heart be open to see what this man has to offer.

He cheated on me and I left right away…we moved to Minnesota after our daughter was born because my parents are abusive mentally, emotionally and used to be very physically abusive as well. They adore him, but they think he inherited it from his father. His mother committed suicide when he was two and he was left in the care of his family and his father was never really in his life, so I always tried to understand that that could play a huge part in why he is the way he is.

Just this past April we finally got our own apartment and things when quickly down hill. Did I make the wrong decision? But I also have depression and anxiety that he has begged me to get help with and I always took it as an attack on me…what should I do? I know and understand that relationships take hard work and attention and sacrifices on both ends, kind of like a garden, it needs to be constantly kept up and watered and nurtured and takes more than just one person to make it flourish.

And I know patience is a key aspect and especially love and understanding. And was I right for leaving? It feels like all I needed was a break…. Melissa, first of all, thank you for trusting me enough to share your story.

I honor you for that! And since then, you have been playing the guessing game in your own life on what LOVE actually looks like. But the relationship you have fallen into is NOT love… you just fell for someone who just happens to be playing the same guessing game on love too… The reason you left the relationship and the reason you are messaging me, is because deep inside you KNOW this is not love, yet the ego in you wants instant connection… which is why you more than likely will get back with him I hope for your sake AND his you do not but that is whats more than likely going to happen because the EGO will win if we allow it to which is NOT what we want directing our life.

YOUR truth wants more… You know there is something else, again the reason you messaged me. But guess what babe, that has to start with you. You have to be the first to give yourself that unconditional love. Again, we stay in relationships not just intimate we feel treat us better than how we treat ourselves. And if thats the case.. Thats where you have to begin…. I need some help! A year later we reconnect and get back together. It has been six months and I am currently not sure if he is the person I want to spend my life with.

I feel lost and stuck!!! I have been in a relationship on and off for 15 years with the father of my son who is now I recently broke up with him bc he has been talking to girls. He jas been doing this to me throughout our entire relationship. When we did get back together things fo right baxk to like it was. Deep in my heart I know its best to separate but my heart is in so much pain and I feel so confused. Thanks Arlin. I have a question, My husband and I split apart 2 months ago.

We met in church and gotarrived quickly. We got married 6 months into our relationship and 6 months after marriage, we split apart. He was going through an addiction problem on hardcore drugs. This was actually kept a secret. After we got married, I found our about his struggle with this drug. He would go long times without it and then kind of binge. However, after I got fed up with this and his behavior towards me.

He was controlling and made me feel like the most loved person but trapped at the same time by not trusting me and questioning literally my every move. We actually both agreed this was from his past sins in past relationships. Anyway, my question is do you think I should try to savey marriage. I actually feel free not being with him, not so much happier because I work with him and I see him everyday and I get sad daily thinking of how much he hurt me and we were very in love at one point like it was surreal like the love in a fantasy.

He says he wants me back and would never do anything again to hurt me.. YET he came into work smelling like alcohol. Do you think I made a wise choice rather than help him through this? You can only help someone who wants it, but even then, if they are being completely toxic to you and your spirit, then you should not be intimately involved. I definitely agree with your choice to not be apart of this relationship anymore because essentially you are saying you deserve more than this, which you are right.

But until you understand what in you attracted this type of behavior in the first place, you will constantly settle with less than you deserve. Do I think you are equipped to help him? Probably not, so your choice to separate yourself sounds like a good one but you can always pray for him. Again, he has to WANT to be helped. We have money issues, trust issues, and by far the communication issues are our biggest delima.

In the beginning of our relationship I did things that caused him not to trust me, understandably of coarse. However, it has left our relationship rocky. I feel that I try my best at having a healthy relationship with him however I believe he has a narcissism problem. He wants to control many parts of my life.

He constantly pushes my issues, my opinions, and my needs and wants aside. He says very hurtful things to me on the daily. However by doing that I eventually blow up and we get into a full blown battle with name calling and sometimes monthly well get physical.

Now for the past maybe 6 months I have told him many tines that I think it would be better for us to go our separate ways. He blackmails me into staying, using the kids, being sweet for a day or two to hook me back in to being with him. However, I just do not see a way to make a healthy relationship with him.

We even do things to try and make our relationship better but we seem to still be caught in the cycle of heated and physical arguments. I would like to know if you think this relationship has room to grow or if I need to get out? Any advice would be very greatly appreciated!

And he kept joking how he is going to break up with me. I kept forgiving him and forgiving and every once in a while, he would tell me to break up with him and to give up.

Is it worth fighting anymore? I feel like if I leave him, I will gain freedom and I can focus on my studies more often than I do now. Great questions. However, found to not be able to answer some because I feel so empty. For example when you asked what is that you will be losing if you left the relationship, my answer was nothing. It is my wedding in 4 months, but I decided I need to take a break because I felt like I was not being valued. It took me so long, 8 years, to finally see it the guy that I want to be with is not the person I want to be for a lifetime.

Is it late now? The things that bothered me, I brought to his attentions more than three times, such as hey lets have date nights, did not expect him to take me to high end nice resturants every time, but wanted to know that he cares and want to have some nice time with me. But every time he wanted to have people around and hookah bars are the only place he can socialize.